Blood is thicker than water

Last week, I met all my siblings and their families at my mum’s place. We meet often. It is interesting to note that although we siblings are not so close enough to talk to each other every day, except for a couple of them, we are all still emotionally attached.

I have begun to realize that sibling relationships are emotionally powerful and critically important not only in childhood but over the course of a lifetime for everyone. My siblings form my first peer group when I was a child! It is through our siblings that we learn social skills, particularly in managing conflict, from negotiating with brothers and sisters hehehhe…….I did. Sibling relationships can provide a significant source of continuity throughout a child's lifetime and are likely to be the longest relationships that most people experience……..our husbands, best friends and boyfriends only come later in our lives. There is no one that can replace the close relationship that can be found between siblings who share a family as well as a friendship!

I guess the importance and the nature of our relationship with siblings vary for each individual – it all depends on the circumstances and also the development stage and what is our ranking in the birth order of siblings – whether you are the oldest child, the middle person or the last child in the family; the gender of the sibling and the age gap.

Our contact with our siblings increases as we age. As people move from middle age to older adulthood, they often feel emotionally closer to their siblings and have less conflict. Even those over 80 years old have an average of one living sibling and a majority of older adults consider one of their siblings to be a close friend. We share biological and cultural heritage with our siblings, as well as memories based on shared history......hahah.

In some families, the siblings hardly talk together and I feel sorry for the parents who will be the most affected when siblings don’t get along well. The parents will suffer in between the siblings who argue and backbite with each other. There are many reasons why siblings have problem between them when they are older – one sibling can be jealous of the other because of wealth, looks, better spouse, good home or an attitude problem etc. If you competed over grades, sports, or music ability when you were younger, as adults you're likely to compete over careers, children, the size of your house, and whose spouse is more attractive.

Marriage usually brings a certain amount of distance between siblings. If siblings don't approve of your choice in a spouse, the tension can be great. Siblings have to come to terms with the reality that you will no longer be as immediately available and that your loyalties and priorities will be first to your spouse instead of to them

We have to come to terms that as siblings get older and more established in their own lives, it's easy to drift apart. Even if you do everything you can to stay close, a certain amount of distancing is definitely there. The demands of a spouse, children, education, career, a home, money problems, troubled teenagers and many other realities of life can put sibling relationships to a distance for a while and then the space will narrow as the siblings grow older.

When siblings leave the parents’ home after marriage, it is not unusual for their relationship to lapse during the early and middle years of adulthood. Often, what brings siblings together in later life is the need to care for their parents. Brothers and sisters who have not had much contact for years may find themselves working together to coordinate care for one or both of their aging parents. I know of families where the stress of looking after a sick parent cause old patterns of rivalry between siblings due to conflict. How siblings stay united to look after their aged parents or another aged sibling, depends on the history of their relationship – if they have all been close, the tasks of looking after becomes divided equally and if not, one or two of the siblings will distance themselves to avoid their responsibility. It happens in many families and it is a shame that grown up siblings quarrel and bitch about each other when they should actually set an example to their own children! By nature early competition and rivalries between siblings must lessen, and a new comradeship and closeness should emerge as you grow older.

The person who is most instrumental to nurturing sibling bonding is naturally the parents! And I have my Amma to be thankful – for giving me many siblings and for ensuring that we all keep in touch and constantly reminding us that the siblings should keep in touch long after she is no more. We will stay united Amma, I assure you despite our differences in size and shapes, IQs and EQs, health and wealth. Cheers to all siblings!