Am I trusting?

As a young girl, I dreamt of the perfect wedding ceremony but never gave a thought of what marriage is all about. When I was a teenager I wished for the perfect man who will love me, who will protect me and who keep me company but never gave a thought to how I will get that man or how I will cherish him for a lifetime. Then when I became an adult I wished for the characters that appeared in romantic movies and story books – you know what I mean – that kind of man who will die for you or kill for you. It is funny how in all that years of growing up, nobody, absolutely nobody ever told me how to be there to reach that ideal relationship – it was only dreams and fantasies.

I realized that it is very difficult to find a trustworthy person in this world. Those who have read James Clavell's novel Shogun may remember the English characther who said "it was sad that you couldn't fully trust anyone".  A Japanese samurai replied him, "No, it's not sad, it's just one of life's most important rules."  The world is full of very selfish people, so into themselves. You see selfish children everywhere, you see selfish parents, and you see people trying to seek attention everywhere but not giving attention to others. Life is not the same as it used to be 40 years ago. Trust was there then.

My parents used to look around to see if we are listening and talk in whispers of about someone else’s divorce. Divorce was a dirty word then. But these days, children are liberally using the word ‘divorce’ and children understand that parents may split one day. I would have never thought of my parents splitting. Children understand that people divorce because “her father has a girlfriend” or “my friend’s mother cannot get along with the father and so they are divorced”. Today the meaning of “cheating” is very vague. When a married guy is sending cute messages to his colleague, it is considered cheating; when a married woman goes out for a drink with her male colleague, it is considered cheating and therefore the word cheating is very confusing.

My grandmother would drag me to the kitchen and rub a chilli on my lips if she caught me telling even white lies!  In school, teachers punished us if we tell lies about our homework.  Nowadays so many people lie and get away with it because "you cannot punish children".  And these children grow up into adults who will still lie and get away. You can now file false police reports, false civil charges, spread horrible rumors, slander a person through the internet for millions to read.

When mobile phones were unheard of and when most houses did not have a phone, people still dated! A couple fix a date verbally when they meet or may even set a date through a friend and keep to that appointment.  Now, I can take time off from a busy schedule, spend money and effort on taxi fare and go to meet a person who probably had confirmed the meeting last night..........and yet wait for the longest time and find that the person does not show up and had turn off the phone!! This is a clear untrustworthy act because we go for that apppointment on the basis of trust - trust that the person will be there.  This is the sort of time, I want to smash someone's head with a durian!
Well the experts and those who do counseling say the most important aspect of a successful marriage or relationship is Communication! I do agree. Nowadays people do not communicate and the irony is that – there are the phones, the SKYPE, the internet etc to communicate. You see a husband texting messages or chatting with a friend using his mobile phone at the restaurant while having dinner with his wife. You see children texting messages or chatting or listening to music. You see the homemaker wife sitting in front of the computer and communicating with faraway people through the Facebook. And therefore the conclusion is….they are all communicating but with the wrong people!

So then, someone, the odd one out who does not rely on man-made inventions to communicate will be feeling lonely and neglected and not getting the attention he or she very much needed. And therefore that person may find the passion somewhere else. The lonely man, the lonely woman, the lonely child now goes to the chat room or networking sites to get instant gratification for the ‘contact’ with a person; for that attention and so the real cheating begins. How can one be romantic when he or she is worried more about his/her own needs? Do you realize that once we become selfish to the needs of our spouse, we are no longer trustworthy?

During my younger days, my parents will switch off the TV when there is a violent scene – maybe a scene of a man hitting another man…….for fear that we children may copy that behavior and hit our siblings or friends. But today, many sit down as a family to watch a movie that portrays violence; watch immoral behaviors; we see sex, lies and drama and we now don’t worry if any child or teenager may copy that behavior portrayed on the show. Now people find these kinds of shows entertaining and they do ‘copy’ what they see on TV.

But really and truly, is it possible to be trustworthy? Trust is very important in a friendship.  Trust is important in our business dealings.  But it takes a certain amount of self-awareness and effort to be that person. But then how many are putting that kind of effort to make a better marriage or to raise better children or be better friends? Well, if we start putting that effort first, the people around us will feel assured and become more trusting and slowly we all can become that trustworthy person!