HUGS BREED MORE HUGS

Over the years, I have come to realize that most of my friends who are exposed to hugs are often very expressive and warm, while those who are not hugged very much or are not shown affection by their family usually grow up putting a distance between themselves and other people. I also realized from observation that children in hugging households are equipped with emotional skills that facilitate healthy interpersonal relationships.

Hugging is a gesture of affirmation, appreciation, and acknowledgement. A child who is hugged often acquires a positive self-concept, whereas a child who is hug-starved or does not receive any other form of affirmation at home will start asking, “Am I loved here?” The act of hugging transfers energy and generates positive emotional stimulation, resulting in happiness!! Besides feeling connected through a hug, we feel safe, we feel supported, we feel understood, we feel important, we feel accepted. Physical contact and stimulation are absolutely necessary for our overall well-being. Hugging a person by wrapping one's arms around the other's neck or waist or touching faces cheek to cheek is, without a doubt, one of the most common demonstrations of affection. And not only do children need a hug, our old parents, our friends and even our colleagues.

Whenever I read the newspapers, I used to ponder as so why some cultures bloodier than others? Why is it that some people from some cultural background take great pleasure in "killing, torturing, or mutilating the enemy." Others did not. What is the difference? I feel it is physical affection - touching, holding, and carrying!! The communities that hugged their kids were relatively peaceful. The cultures that treated their children coldly produced brutal adults. If your relationship with somebody is not working, try hugging him 20 times a day and there will be a significant difference!!

Hugging is being used even as an aid in treating some physical illnesses. For example, touch stimulates nerve endings, thereby helping in relieving pain. Any health problem makes the sufferer feel vulnerable, frightened, angry, frustrated and helpless. Hugging can give him the positive emotional state necessary to make these changes. In one study, pet ownership was seen to contribute to the survival of heart patients. The cuddling of pets has a soothing effect that reduces the stress levels in heart attack victims.

Dear friend, try to recollect the last time you hugged somebody or somebody hugged you. If it was too long ago or if the answer may be 'never', you are the kind who flinches from physical contact! So the next time we meet, let’s hug to seal a friendship 

Platonic Relationships

Can a man really be "just friends" with a woman? Does platonic relationship really exists?

In Tamil movies, the boy and girl go to the same school, do homework together, eat together, play together, roll on the ground together and when they grow up one of them will be dreaming of the other in a romantic manner!! Because all of a sudden this character realizes he or she has a strange feeling called ‘love’ for the other person and so the story goes……..Some will get married and live happily ever after and some will marry someone else and leave the childhood friend heart-broken.
The question now is – can a male and female have a close relationship without getting sex and romantic love in the way? I think it is possible because I have some wonderful male friends. True friendships are perhaps the best thing one can experience in her lifetime. It is a great feeling to have someone by your side or on the other side, who will not judge you, who will be with you through ups and downs, talk to you about anything in the world, cleverly and stupidly. I realize that if you keep ‘gender’ out of a friendship, you can share everything you do with another same sex friend – bonding and being for each other, except that in this case it is the person of the opposite sex.

So many times, I have to say “he’s just a friend’ and many times I have heard of “it’s hard to believe that platonic relationships can exist”. I think society predicts how friendship between two people of the opposite sex will fail because intimate feelings will get involved……..some pessimists think that more than half of the friendship is vying for ways to bed the other person  But I do agree that I have come across stories of one party in a friendship who is likely to harbor some stronger intimate feelings for the other. The other party may be completely unaware of such affection. In this case, I think this friendship could just be a guise to become closer to the other person.

Well, this kind of instances in a platonic relationship can bring along a disaster or a blessing!! Relationships which started off as platonic and ended in marriage is a comfortable relationship as there are no pretences from the beginning. Marriages out of such relationships tend to last longer.
But what happens when one party shows the ‘ugly’ side of himself or herself and brings the platonic relationship to a standstill with the forbidden word ‘sex’ when the other person does not feel the same? It can well be the end of the relationship as both parties will never ever be comfortable with each other anymore. Disappointment and anger are two possible ends to the relationship.

Having said that, I stress that platonic relationships do exist – but one must work harder to build such relationship that may require additional work as well as some prior agreements to allow it to be a healthy relationship. Both persons must be upfront about their feelings from the beginning. If for some reason romantic sentiments arise, than it is best to address the issue from the beginning and decide whether it is wise to pursue a platonic relationship with that person.

If you are married or have a steady relationship with someone, it is best to tell them about your platonic relationship. You will have to assure them that even though the other person is your best friend, you do not have a romantic feeling for him or her and that what you have is a feeling of care and friendship. Introducing the two of them to each to avoid misunderstanding in future is a good way to bring about a peaceful life too. You have to tell your partner that what you have is a feeling of care and friendship. And tell your partner that you are being honest and there is nothing wrong that you are doing with your platonic friend.

Here’s to good friendship. Cheers.

Your Friend on a Diet?

Do you know that it is very difficult to live on a special meal diet? Not because I can’t but because the loved ones around me don’t allow me to! And they don’t even know that they are doing this to me.
To be on a diet or on a special meal diet is not that easy. You can quit smoking, you can quit drugs but you can’t quit eating altogether right? And the loved ones and friends eating near you and around you stop you right on the track. So if you are my friend, your support is very important when I go on a special diet.

It is important to appreciate your friend’s motivation and in order to understand the best way to be supportive, find out from your friend the reason for her wanting to go on this diet example - is she trying to lose weight or body fat? Or is she dieting because of health concerns like diabetes or high cholesterol or does she want to look and feel younger?

What you can do as a close friend or a relative is not to tempt your friend. When going out to eat, suggest restaurants with healthy menu options. Since alcohol is high in calories refrain from ordering that in front of your friend. Don’t give your friend presents that are food related example - do not give a box of chocolate when you return from your holiday! Try to eat in and eat healthy food together and always have healthy snacks in your fridge if your dieting friend is visiting you.

Give moral support to your friend by giving comments like “since you started on your diet, you seem to be more energetic” or “your skin is looking very good now”. Refrain from telling your friend “you are not fat” or “you don’t need to go on a diet”. You will have to take note that diet is supposed to be on improving health than on losing weight!

While you are with your friend, you need not be a food police. Don’t constantly point out to her that “you should not eat this” and or “don’t eat that”. And another important point – do not announce to the whole world that she is on a diet…….your friend may not like that. Be supportive but not control. It’s the dieter’s responsibility to be in control of her food. Because she is the one who is going to suffer the consequences. Trust me, it is normal to backslide sometimes and have cheat meals here and there.

You can join your friend in the whole process of dieting, even if you are skinny to the bones – diet for health reasons. Eat a healthy meal and support your friend and in the process look after yourself too!

Women and Gold

I came across a long time friend in Little India last week. We were both born on the same year and month. We studied in different schools though we stayed in the same neighborhood.
During my teenage years, I have seen her always neat and tidy. She got married in her late twenties and I did not see her for almost 27 years. And when I saw her in Little India the other day, I had a pleasant shock. She was so unkempt and dressed very shabbily. But what shocked me was – she had about 6 gold chains on her neck, about 8-12 gold bangles on each of her arm and gold rings on all her fingers and each of her ear lobes had about 4 gold studs and heavy gold earrings!! She was almost a mini walking goldsmith shop. I teased her and asked if she is showing off her collection and she said “what else is there in life for me?”. I did not know how to re-act to that statement of hers but it set me thinking of the many women who would save money to buy gold ornaments and wear the ornaments either everyday like my friend or keep it in the drawer for special occasions.
Recession or no recession, the passion of buying gold jewellery among women never seems to die. The biggest show of gold can be witnessed at Indians weddings where the favourite topic amongst most women is always the new designs of jewellery especially of the bride. My mum used to tell me that these occasions are also the biggest chance for women to show off their own gold ornaments.
I know of a lady who ensured that her husband gives her only gold ornaments for her wedding anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Deepavali etc. Some women even hide money from their husbands to buy a gold chain or a ring while also secretly setting aside cash for future buys.

When a baby girl is born in an Indian family she is gifted gold earnings or rings or chains by close relatives. Even at a funeral of a relative, some women would make sure to wear gold bangles, big fat gold chain and large earrings. “If I don’t do that, my relatives will think that I don’t posses any gold,” said a cousin of mine.

When I was about to get married, both my parents and in-laws were interested to know how much of gold I would have in my possession when I go to the in-laws house! Interestingly, one of the major discussions made when planning the wedding date etc was , “what is the weight?”. It’s a shame that my parents had to borrow a bit of money to ensure I had at least the minimum requirement of gold ornaments on me eg. 1 gold necklace, a set of earrings, 4 gold bangles.
Sometimes, I feel that this sacred metal is one of the main reasons behind the mentality of spending less on education and well being of the girls. Very conservative Indian parents are seen worried about arranging jewellery with whatever money they possess instead of spending that on education and skill building of their daughters.

On the other hand, my sister will tell me that gold provides financial security “it is my only property that gives me cash when I need it immediately”. And true enough, when I was going through a financial crunch at one point of my life, her gold ornaments were pledged in the pawnshop to help me!!!